My world was turned upside down when I had my first child.
Going from working full time to then being responsible for a tiny infant all day long really threw my mental health for a loop.
One day, my very perceptive husband came home from work and said, “I’m completely handling Quin. Leave this house. Go do something you want to do on your own.”
And so I got in the car…
And I had no idea where to go.
I needed a break from my baby, but I didn’t know what I needed to replace it.
And so I leaned into the cliche, drove to Target, walked around aimlessly for a while, and then drove home.
Now since that day almost 7 years ago, I’ve come a loooong way!
Just this past week during a few kid-free moments, I reorganized a toy closet, studied my scriptures in total silence, sorted my kids’ shoes, played the piano, took a much-needed nap, talked with a friend, and sang in a choir.
And there was another kid-free time this week when I scrolled social media endlessly, clicked on article after post after video, and played a game on my phone that went way longer than what I actually enjoyed, but I “just had to finish it”.
Clearly, I don’t have a total handle on my agency yet.
But I’ve come a long way in learning how to make positive, righteous, fun, and meaningful decisions with my time!
And this is what fascinates me about the Lord giving Nephi power to do whatever he wished in Helaman Ch 10.
The Lord trusted Nephi to ALWAYS make a righteous decision in the name of the Lord.
Nephi wasn’t going to give in to wicked decisions. But Nephi also wasn’t going to sit in indecisiveness and waste time.
“All things shall be done unto thee according to thy word, for thou shalt not ask that which is contrary to my will.” – Helaman 10:5
The Lord KNEW Nephi would make the best decisions with his abundance of agency.
That’s what I’m working towards.
Not that I always have to be “busy”. But that when I’m given “free time”, I make righteous decisions that will either rejuvenate me, bring me happiness, or push me to grow.
Because learning to use my agency wisely is the ultimate sign of trust I feel I can show my Heavenly Father.
“God wants for us a radical reorientation of our selfish and prideful impulses, the eviction of the natural man.” – Elder Patrick Kearon
Happy Studying!
-Cali Black
