Many of you know that I just had a sweet, perfect, smiley, active baby boy in January.
Ever since Barrett was born, I’ve gazed into his bright blue eyes and said, “Wow! Isn’t it crazy how much newborns’ eyes move?! I forgot how they look around all the time!”
When Barrett turned two months old, it hit me one day.
His eyes never stopped moving.
They would scan the room and jerk back and forth. But they never stayed still.
It was in that moment that I knew.
I brought it up to his pediatrician, and we were referred to a pediatric ophthalmologist, who diagnosed Barrett with congenital nystagmus, the most common serious eye disorder.
But in order to make sure his nystagmus was not actually a sign of a neurological issue, his doctor recommended a brain MRI.
There’s a reason I’m only sharing this now on my page – because I knew that my emotions needed some hindsight and distance before I could properly write them down.
I’d love to share more of my emotions throughout this journey in future posts, but as I read Alma’s pleadings this week, I couldn’t help but think of my sweet Barrett.
“I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me.” (Alma 29:3)
As our family prepped for Barrett’s MRI that would give us some answers as to whether this was just a vision issue he would deal with his whole life, or if it was a sign of much larger and scarier issues…
I honestly felt guilty if I tried to pray that his brain would show up normal.
Because shouldn’t I be happy with whatever God’s plan for Barrett is? Shouldn’t I have enough faith to accept God’s will, no matter the outcome?
Should I really be praying for a specific result, or should I be submitting myself to His will?
I honestly felt great peace, but I still didn’t know what I should be praying for. Would I be sinning or prideful or ungrateful if I prayed for a clear scan?
And then some familiar words echoed in my head.
“If it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” (Matt. 26:39)
Jesus Christ, my perfect example, did BOTH.
He asked for his desire.
But he also completely yielded himself to his father’s will.
And that gave me a lot of comfort.
I don’t think it’s a true sin to have a righteous desire for something different. It wasn’t a sin for Christ to not want to endure endless, unspeakable suffering. It wasn’t a sin for Alma to wish to be an angel, declaring the gospel of repentance without restriction. And it wasn’t a sin for me to want my little baby boy’s brain MRI to be clear.
As long as the will of God is always where we have our true faith.
Christ atoned for our sins anyways. Alma played his mortal role anyways. (And hey, maybe he got that angel wish at a later point!)
And I yielded up the MRI results to God, no matter where they would lead our family.
After watching my little 5-month-old get a brain MRI under general anesthesia, which I don’t think many moms picture doing with their precious newborn, we got the results.
No irregularities. A clear brain scan.
He’ll have vision problems his whole life, and we won’t know the extent until he can tell us more or give us more evidence. But there aren’t any serious, underlying brain-related causes that are giving him the nystagmus.
Even though we are a few weeks past getting these results, I’m really trying not to romanticize my feelings with the perspective I now have. I would have felt peace no matter the answer we received. And I feel pretty confident saying that.
I learned that we don’t have to feel guilty for praying for certain results, as long as those prayers are accompanied by a total submission to God’s will.
They don’t have to be at odds with each other.
Let this cup pass. NEVERTHELESS not as I will, but as thou wilt.
Happy Studying!
-Cali Black
12 Responses
thank you for your comments today. I’m so sorry for what you and your family have had to go through. It is so scary not knowing. It’s funny, but my very prayer and fast this morning I thought the same things that I received in your email from you soon after I finished my prayer. What do we pray for? It’s sometimes hard to know but I do know that I accept the Lord’s will and my faith is only in Him. My only grandson is nonverbal autistic he is 30 years old. He lives in a group home. He has just been exposed to covid-19 and so far thank goodness has no signs of the illness. They will test him next week. I wish I could include an attachment that I got from his caregiver. It’s of Colby folding his arms and bowing his head and she prays over his food for him. This is so tender to me because my family are not active members of the church yet. Colby is our angel sent here to teach hid family in his silence that there is a God and he’s very aware of us and loves us and wants the best for us. I pray that we both get our prayers answered and are happy no matter what the outcome is. I love your little snippets they give me a lot to think about. Thank you
What a beautiful, personal post that inspired me this morning. Thank you, Cali. You will be ever blessed.
Thank you so much <3
Cali, the first thing I wanted to say was, “I am so sorry.” As I thought of that in the context of “Thy will be done,” I realized that when we submit to the will of God, it always works out to what is best for us. So how can we be sorry for the trials and challenges we face? Barrett was a very advanced spirit before he came to earth. He will not need a perfect body or eyesight to accomplish what he needs to in this life. It is his extra challenge a loving Heavenly Father knew would bring great blessings to him and his family. I know you know that.
Thank you for the wonderful insights you bring to light as we study come follow me. I know you will be alright as you and your family move forward and learn from the experiences given from a loving Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.
Loved this! Glad I followed the link to read it all! You’re wonderful!
I’m glad you clicked, too! Thank you! <3
Thank you for your kind response! It kind of makes me excited sometimes to think about all the awesome things that he is going to do in spite of the difficulties he will have. He’s a pretty special kid already, that’s for sure! Thank you <3
Hi Cali,
I want to thank you for you openness and honesty about what you are going through. It is so important that we all learn this important truth, of praying for the righteous desires of our heart while accepting His will, especially now, during these times. I also think it’s important that we be able to share our trials with others so that we may be better able to help one another.
I would also like to let you know that I was born with the same thing. Doctors told my parents that I would never be able to read, catch a ball, or drive a car……. all wrong. I have lived a normal life, even with my poor eyesight, as I fully expect your little boy will too. We learn to adapt without even realizing it, not really knowing how anyone else sees things. I am still sometimes asked what things look like through my eyes, but it’s all I’ve ever known. I think I see things the same way as others, things do not jump around or move just because my eyes do.
May the Lord bless you and your family in immeasurable ways always.
Oh I’m so glad you commented! That’s awesome to hear! I love hearing positive stories. And I’m so glad it has no affected you too much. It’s so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that people can still see well with their eyes moving all over – but that’s what people keep telling me! I’m excited to see what Barrett is able to do. Thank you so much for your comment!
I have struggled so much with this same thing. I have a testimony of prayer and that God answers prayers. I believe he can and does guide and direct me. But when it comes to those occasions regarding a person’s health, I struggle. I don’t want to go against Gods Will so sometimes I think, “why bother?”. But that is not what Christ did. There are times when our desires are not in accordance with his will. And times when they are. And I think there are times when God’s will can be a bit flexible. In the parable of the Lord’s vineyard, the Lord planned to cast down the trees but when the servants pled for him to spare it a little longer, he agreed.
Thank you for your insights!
Yes, I can totally relate to all of those thoughts! It can seem selfish or ungrateful. But absolutely, there are some blessings He will give us if we just ask! Or, He wants to hear our desire and then know we’ll submit anyways. Great thoughts! Thank you!
One of my daughters was born with a birth defect undergoing major surgery when she was 2 days old. The nurses thought I was a cold person bc I was cheerful and not crying about what could happen. I was at total peace. I knew she would be okay, that she would survive and thrive, that God’s will would be done. She had 3 other major surgeries and always healed well , lots of adaptations, social issues, sadness and tears, but ultimately she’s thrived. She’s never let it hold her back or keep her from trying new things. She came to us with a tenacious and positive spirit. I’m so grateful that I let go and let God (His will be done). She is such a blessing to our family.