Ever since Barrett was born, I’ve gazed into his bright blue eyes and said, “Wow! Isn’t it crazy how much newborns’ eyes move?! I forgot how they look around all the time!”

When Barrett turned two months old, it hit me one day.

His eyes never stopped moving.

They would scan the room and jerk back and forth. But they never stayed still.

It was in that moment that I knew.

I brought it up to his pediatrician, and we were referred to a pediatric ophthalmologist, who diagnosed Barrett with congenital nystagmus, the most common serious eye disorder.

But in order to make sure his nystagmus was not actually a sign of a neurological issue, his doctor recommended a brain MRI.

There’s a reason I’m only sharing this now on my page – because I knew that my emotions needed some hindsight and distance before I could properly write them down.

I’d love to share more of my emotions throughout this journey in future posts, but as I read Alma’s pleadings this week, I couldn’t help but think of my sweet Barrett.

“I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me.” (Alma 29:3)

As our family prepped for Barrett’s MRI that would give us some answers as to whether this was just a vision issue he would deal with his whole life, or if it was a sign of much larger and scarier issues…

I honestly felt guilty if I tried to pray that his brain would show up normal.

Because shouldn’t I be happy with whatever God’s plan for Barrett is? Shouldn’t I have enough faith to accept God’s will, no matter the outcome?

Should I really be praying for a specific result, or should I be submitting myself to His will?

I honestly felt great peace, but I still didn’t know what I should be praying for. Would I be sinning or prideful or ungrateful if I prayed for a clear scan?

And then some familiar words echoed in my head.

“If it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” (Matt. 26:39)

Jesus Christ, my perfect example, did BOTH.

He asked for his desire.

But he also completely yielded himself to his father’s will.

And that gave me a lot of comfort.

I don’t think it’s a true sin to have a righteous desire for something different. It wasn’t a sin for Christ to not want to endure endless, unspeakable suffering. It wasn’t a sin for Alma to wish to be an angel, declaring the gospel of repentance without restriction. And it wasn’t a sin for me to want my little baby boy’s brain MRI to be clear.

As long as the will of God is always where we have our true faith.

Christ atoned for our sins anyways. Alma played his mortal role anyways. (And hey, maybe he got that angel wish at a later point!)

And I yielded up the MRI results to God, no matter where they would lead our family.

After watching my little 5-month-old get a brain MRI under general anesthesia, which I don’t think many moms picture doing with their precious newborn, we got the results.

No irregularities. A clear brain scan.

He’ll have vision problems his whole life, and we won’t know the extent until he can tell us more or give us more evidence. But there aren’t any serious, underlying brain-related causes that are giving him the nystagmus.

Even though we are a few weeks past getting these results, I’m really trying not to romanticize my feelings with the perspective I now have. I would have felt peace no matter the answer we received. And I feel pretty confident saying that.

I learned that we don’t have to feel guilty for praying for certain results, as long as those prayers are accompanied by a total submission to God’s will.

They don’t have to be at odds with each other.

Let this cup pass. NEVERTHELESS not as I will, but as thou wilt.

Happy Studying!

-Cali Black

The post Am I ungrateful? first appeared on Come Follow Me Study with Cali Black.

What a weirdly simple sentence.

But behind that sentence is a whole wave of emotions and truths.

So sometimes I try to be more specific.

“I know that Jesus Christ lives and atoned for my sins.”

“I know that I have loving Parents in Heaven.”

“I know that families can be together forever.”

This is what it comes out as.

It’s really hard to put the enormity of what I feel into words.

The sentences sound much too simple when I say them.

Because even these statements carry deeper feelings and experiences to support them.

It’s the weird part about sharing testimonies, right?

Most of the time, the person speaking the actual words of the testimony is the only one who truly understands the uniquely complex and powerful intricacies of what they are trying to convey.

Because, really, how can you describe the Spirit?

We try.

I try.

But at the end of the day, I echo Ammon’s sentiments.

I can’t say (or write) the smallest part of what I feel.

Which is why we can’t transfer our testimonies to others, right?

I can’t describe everything I know and feel, and so I can’t pass that perfectly on to another person.

We try. We get as close as we can. We describe and share. We keep it simple.

But only the Spirit can really teach what the Spirit does.

So I keep trying to get close with my words. I try to at least describe a small part of what I feel.

But I fully rely on the Spirit to fill in the rest.

Happy Studying!

-Cali Black

The post Testimonies are just words first appeared on Come Follow Me Study with Cali Black.

I love getting these questions, and I have practical advice and tips to share.

But in many of the messages, I hear my own concerns from a few years ago echoing in their words:

“I would be so much more righteous if I could actually read my scriptures every day. God is probably disappointed that I can’t even get this right.”

In our church, reading the scriptures and praying every day are preached so often, that sometimes we mistakenly start to think that salvation comes through their repetition.

So I want you to think for a second:

WHY do YOU study the scriptures?

What’s your reason?

If it’s to fulfill your “righteousness checklist” for the day, then it might be helpful to look at the Anti-Nephi-Lehies’ example.

They kept the Law of Moses with exactness after their conversion. But…

“They did not suppose that salvation came by the law of Moses; but the law of Moses did serve to strengthen their faith in Christ”. Alma 25:16

THAT is why we are asked to read and pray every day.

Not because they will complete the checklist and get us into heaven.

But because those actions strengthen our faith in the Savior.

Those actions help us become more Christlike.

And that’s what God IS looking for.

People who try. People who are kind and caring. People who serve. People who have the desire to be a little bit better.

And our daily scripture study and prayers are powerful tools to help us make that mighty transformation.

So if you are caught up in the guilt of the checklist, try instead asking yourself, “What can I do today in order to become more Christlike?”

And I think you might more willingly place studying and praying at the top of your activity list.

Happy Studying!

-Cali Black

The post Where does salvation come from? first appeared on Come Follow Me Study with Cali Black.

Completely sword-less.

They began to praise God.

I imagine they lifted their voices in prayer.

I imagine they pondered on the goodness and mercy of God.

I imagine they thought about His all-knowing power, and accepted His will be done.

I imagine some of them started to sing some hymns.

I imagine they sat there, solemn and happy.

And they never stopped.

Even in the very act of perishing, their hearts were still communing with God in gladness and peace.

While they were perishing.

What an impressive but important feat – to be able to praise God at all times, completely independent of what we are going through.

Even when we feel like we are perishing.

We can still find joy in pondering on, speaking of, singing about, and praying to our loving God.

We can praise His goodness and His mercy.

Even as we perish.

Many are mentally and emotionally perishing. Especially right now.

And it’s hard. And painful. And we can plead for a different cup than the one we’ve been asked to drink.

But we can still choose to praise God, even in the hardest of times.

Because ultimately, our praising and our worshipping is for our benefit.

Praising brings us peace, and joy, and happiness, independent of what we are enduring.

Praising allows God to send His Spirit to stay with us and bring comfort.

And so we, as these brave men did long ago, can praise God in the very act of perishing.

Happy Studying!

-Cali Black

The post Praising and perishing first appeared on Come Follow Me Study with Cali Black.

A few weeks ago, I set a personal goal for myself to make sure I wasn’t on my phone as often.

I wanted to improve my interactions with my family members and be more present, and I felt like my phone was holding me back a bit from that.

So I decided to do better.

Notifications would pop up and I would ignore them. I let emails go unread. I stopped scrolling just because I had “down time”.

But then I got a notification that looked really important.

And then I got an email that was super interesting and I just had to open it.

And then my phone was once again in my hand more often than it should be.

Finally, I decided I needed to tether it to a charger across the room with the sound on only for texts or phone calls – the actually important alerts.

And it worked.

I forgot about all of the missing notifications, and I was in the moment.
And when I intentionally picked up my phone later, all my notifications were still there for me to peruse.

Resisting my go-to sin started out strong, but I kept finding “reasonable” excuses until I was back to where I was before.

Resisting my sin was really easy when I removed the temptation. In fact, I didn’t really have anything to “resist”.

So yes, I am comparing my cell phone to the Anti-Nephi-Lehies’ swords. (I told you this would be a #millennialprobs post!)

But you can fill in the blank with whatever your go-to sin is right now: anger, inappropriate media, word of wisdom issues…

What makes you want to indulge in your sin?

A notification? A group of friends? A certain habit or routine? A social media account?

Try removing it.

Or at least try changing it.

Although we can ask for the strength to resist our favorite sins, often Heavenly Father asks that we take the initiative and remove the temptation altogether (or as much as possible).

And if we have great faith, we can bury that temptation deep in the earth, never to dig it up again.

Happy Studying!

-Cali Black

The post Removing instead of resisting first appeared on Come Follow Me Study with Cali Black.