Ever since Barrett was born, I’ve gazed into his bright blue eyes and said, “Wow! Isn’t it crazy how much newborns’ eyes move?! I forgot how they look around all the time!”

When Barrett turned two months old, it hit me one day.

His eyes never stopped moving.

They would scan the room and jerk back and forth. But they never stayed still.

It was in that moment that I knew.

I brought it up to his pediatrician, and we were referred to a pediatric ophthalmologist, who diagnosed Barrett with congenital nystagmus, the most common serious eye disorder.

But in order to make sure his nystagmus was not actually a sign of a neurological issue, his doctor recommended a brain MRI.

There’s a reason I’m only sharing this now on my page – because I knew that my emotions needed some hindsight and distance before I could properly write them down.

I’d love to share more of my emotions throughout this journey in future posts, but as I read Alma’s pleadings this week, I couldn’t help but think of my sweet Barrett.

“I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me.” (Alma 29:3)

As our family prepped for Barrett’s MRI that would give us some answers as to whether this was just a vision issue he would deal with his whole life, or if it was a sign of much larger and scarier issues…

I honestly felt guilty if I tried to pray that his brain would show up normal.

Because shouldn’t I be happy with whatever God’s plan for Barrett is? Shouldn’t I have enough faith to accept God’s will, no matter the outcome?

Should I really be praying for a specific result, or should I be submitting myself to His will?

I honestly felt great peace, but I still didn’t know what I should be praying for. Would I be sinning or prideful or ungrateful if I prayed for a clear scan?

And then some familiar words echoed in my head.

“If it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” (Matt. 26:39)

Jesus Christ, my perfect example, did BOTH.

He asked for his desire.

But he also completely yielded himself to his father’s will.

And that gave me a lot of comfort.

I don’t think it’s a true sin to have a righteous desire for something different. It wasn’t a sin for Christ to not want to endure endless, unspeakable suffering. It wasn’t a sin for Alma to wish to be an angel, declaring the gospel of repentance without restriction. And it wasn’t a sin for me to want my little baby boy’s brain MRI to be clear.

As long as the will of God is always where we have our true faith.

Christ atoned for our sins anyways. Alma played his mortal role anyways. (And hey, maybe he got that angel wish at a later point!)

And I yielded up the MRI results to God, no matter where they would lead our family.

After watching my little 5-month-old get a brain MRI under general anesthesia, which I don’t think many moms picture doing with their precious newborn, we got the results.

No irregularities. A clear brain scan.

He’ll have vision problems his whole life, and we won’t know the extent until he can tell us more or give us more evidence. But there aren’t any serious, underlying brain-related causes that are giving him the nystagmus.

Even though we are a few weeks past getting these results, I’m really trying not to romanticize my feelings with the perspective I now have. I would have felt peace no matter the answer we received. And I feel pretty confident saying that.

I learned that we don’t have to feel guilty for praying for certain results, as long as those prayers are accompanied by a total submission to God’s will.

They don’t have to be at odds with each other.

Let this cup pass. NEVERTHELESS not as I will, but as thou wilt.

Happy Studying!

-Cali Black

The post Am I ungrateful? first appeared on Come Follow Me Study with Cali Black.