Shame is when we believe we are a bad person because we have done something wrong. ⁣

It keeps us hiding and secretive, because we wouldn’t want anyone else to find out about the “bad person” that we really are. ⁣

Sometimes other people play a lot into shame. ⁣

A kid hears their mom making judgmental comments about the kid next door, and they assume that if their mom knew they were caught up in the same thing, mom would judge and talk badly about them too. ⁣

A youth leader makes an analogy in a church lesson that makes the teen listening feel like they have lost their worth because of a mistake they have made. ⁣

These are so sad, and I’m constantly trying to get rid of any “shaming” that I may inadvertently do in my parenting or in my teaching. ⁣

But other times, I think we are really good at inventing the shame all in our head. ⁣

“They heard the voice of the Lord God… and Adam and his wife went to hide themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden.” (Moses 4:14)⁣

Did God shame Adam and Eve when they had their discussion about what had happened?⁣

Not at all.⁣

In fact, I think God gives us a perfect parenting example of asking curious questions, showing love, teaching about a natural consequence, showing even more love, and then even giving them a beautifully symbolic gift of a coat of skins to protect them as they left the garden. ⁣

But Adam and Eve, as natural, fallen, humans at this point, still felt that shame and wanted to hide from God. ⁣

Feeling like we need to hide because we have sinned is a natural thing to do. ⁣

But the more that we learn about the nature of God and Christ, ideally, the less shame we feel.⁣

Because we are instead filled with Their love. ⁣

God never turns away anyone who wants to run toward Him and ask for help, no matter what sins they’ve committed. ⁣

So where do we turn when we have sinned?⁣

Do we hide it and hope no one ever knows? Or do we place it at the Lord’s feet in full humility, ready to be cleansed and changed?

“Because of Jesus Christ, our failures do not have to define us. They can refine us.” –  Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Happy Studying!

-Cali Black

The post Hide!  first appeared on Come Follow Me Study with Cali Black.

What it is, and why it’s so detrimental.

Shame = you are bad because you did something wrong. ⁣

It’s not super helpful to feel SHAME.

And we really should aim to never be the cause of anyone else feeling shame.

“I am a bad person because I did something wrong.”

“Only bad people do things like that.”⁣

Do we feel SHAME when we make poor decisions or don’t do good things?

Do we automatically go to: “I am bad”?⁣

Do we knowingly or unknowingly SHAME those around us when we see them making poor decisions?

Calling a child “bad”, telling a teenager they are ruined because of a poor choice, telling a young woman she is bad for wearing certain clothing, showing less love to others when they make certain decisions. ⁣

Well that’s exactly what Paul said he was NOT doing!

He was trying to correct some pretty serious sins that these Corinthians were committing.

But he makes it clear that he is NOT shaming them. ⁣

“I write not these things to shame you, but as my beloved sons I warn you.” (1 Corinthians 4:14)

He is WARNING them.

Teaching them. Rebuking them. ⁣

What’s the difference?⁣

Love. Forgiveness. Direction on how to correct. More love. Pointing to the Savior. Building up true worth. ⁣

We do believe that there are “rights” and “wrongs”.

Which means, there are “wrongs” that we need to correct in our own actions, and in the actions of those we have stewardship over. ⁣

But warnings to others and commitments to do better ourselves should always be framed with our Savior in mind. ⁣

We are not bad people.

We are loved beyond belief. We have infinite worth. We are spiritual sons and daughters of God the Father. ⁣

We make bad decisions. But we can correct ourselves and repent. And we will make bad decisions again. And we can correct ourselves and repent again. ⁣

That’s the whole purpose of this gospel! ⁣

Continuous change. ⁣

Not through shaming ourselves or others.

But through kind and loving warnings and corrections.

Happy Studying!

-Cali Black

The post Shame or warning? first appeared on Come Follow Me Study with Cali Black.

Shame is when we believe we are a bad person because we have done something wrong.

It keeps us hiding and secretive, because we wouldn’t want anyone else to find out about the “bad person” that we really are.

Sometimes other people play a lot into shame.

A kid hears their mom making judgmental comments about the kid next door, and they assume that if their mom knew they were caught up in the same thing, mom would judge and talk badly about them too.

A youth leader makes an analogy in a church lesson that makes the teen listening feel like they have lost their worth because of a mistake they have made.

These are so sad, and I’m constantly trying to get rid of any “shaming” that I may inadvertently do in my parenting or in my teaching.

But other times, I think we are really good at inventing the shame all in our head.

“They heard the voice of the Lord God… and Adam and his wife went to hide themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden.” (Moses 4:14)

Did God shame Adam and Eve when they had their discussion about what had happened?

Not at all.

In fact, I think God gives us a perfect parenting example of asking curious questions, showing love, teaching about a natural consequence, showing even more love, and then even giving them a beautifully symbolic gift of a coat of skins to protect them as they left the garden.

But Adam and Eve, as natural, fallen, humans at this point, still felt that shame and wanted to hide from God.

Feeling like we need to hide because we have sinned is a natural thing to do.

But the more that we learn about the nature of God and Christ, ideally, the less shame we feel.

Because we are instead filled with Their love.

God never turns away anyone who wants to run toward Him and ask for help, no matter what sins they’ve committed.

So where do we turn when we have sinned?

Do we hide it and hope no one ever knows? Or do we place it at the Lord’s feet in full humility, ready to be cleansed and changed?

Happy Studying!

-Cali Black

The post Shame and hiding first appeared on Come Follow Me Study with Cali Black.

Because on the one hand, I want my home filled with peace.

I want everyone to be kind and loving, I want smooth routines, I want a clean kitchen at night…

I want peace and calm.

But— am I seeking after peace…

And instead sending a message of: “you better not have any sins or weaknesses that rock the boat”!

Life needs to be messy.

My kids need to make crazy mistakes.

My husband needs to have a bad day.

I need to battle with my weakness.

So is my home a safe place for all this messiness?

Are we allowed to change?

Is repentance openly embraced?

Or do I try to sweep it under the rug, adding shame and secrecy to the list of problems?

When we have done something wrong, no matter how trivial or how serious, and we approach the Lord with humility, we are NEVER met with shaming.

We are never pushed down, avoided, or made fun of.

In fact, the Lord taught Oliver and David exactly what He does in Section 18, verse 13:

“How great is his JOY in the soul that repenteth!”

The Lord is joyful when He hears that we want to change!

He allows us to feel the consequences of our actions and to learn from our mistakes, but He is ready to look forward.

So… am I making my home a place where people are comfortable making mistakes?

Is shame part of my parenting strategy?

Are confessed sins met with hostility or greater love?

Does everyone feel comfortable communicating honestly?

Do I feel like I will be judged for my weaknesses or do I try to hide them from the people I love most?

Are we harder on ourselves and our loved ones than the Savior of the world is?

Food for thought today.

Is my home a safe place for change?

Happy Studying!

-Cali Black

The post Is my home a safe place for change? first appeared on Come Follow Me Study with Cali Black.

That sounds kinda weird, right?!

But as an imperfect person, I make mistakes and commit sins pretty regularly.

Alma taught his son Corianton, “let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance.” (Alma 42:29)

Guilt is a GIFT.

Because it tells us, like physical pain, that we need to change.

It leads us to repentance.

Because, on the other hand, when we ignore or suppress guilt, when we try to keep it a secret even from ourselves, we turn those not-so-amazing feelings of guilt into SHAME.

Recently, I had the thought to text a friend and check up on her.

But I didn’t follow through on that prompting.

And I felt guilty.

But I tried to push that guilt aside and just ignore it.

I wasn’t even rationalizing my way out of the prompting – I was just ignoring it.

And it felt terrible.

The thoughts would come up to text the friend again, and I would feel all this shame for not following through on it the first time around. “Ugh, I’m just terrible at following promptings!” And I would push that feeling down again.

And I didn’t even do this consciously, because I know this guilt vs. shame concept very well.

But I couldn’t stop the cycle in myself.

Until, finally, clarity. (Thank GOODNESS for a patient and loving God.)

I finally allowed myself to feel guilty about not texting my friend.

It was not comfortable, but this time, it pushed me toward change.

I offered a quick prayer. And then I texted my friend.

Boom.

Bad feelings gone, and I had improved.

Shame keeps us victims of that same sin over and over again.

And guilt moves us to repentance and change.

I am so grateful for guilt.

Happy Studying!

-Cali Black

The post Grateful for guilt first appeared on Come Follow Me Study with Cali Black.